Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Its 9.00am and here I lay on a thin foam mattress, which, feels like concrete. I wish I could go back in time and change things, there's nothing wrong with wishful thinking is there?

It all took place on Thursday the 19th march 2009 I was 17, and life was great. I was doing my A levels, taking driving lessons and even had a part time Job. Simon was my boyfriend he was amazing, he spoke so gently and always gave me a compliments no matter what day or time. Just thinking of him makes me feel sad I lost something I will never get back. His parents told him to stay away from me because of what took place. That was heartbreaking as now was the time when I really needed people around for support. So yeah, it was Thursday and I was going out with a couple friends (Charlotte and Karen) to an under eighteens rave in Camden. The night started of on a good note but that was about to change when a fight broke out causing the rave to get shut down early. This was something that regularly happened at these kinds of raves so we weren’t even pissed. I got the bus with Charlotte and Karen, we laughed and joked about the events of the night. As the bus pulled up to old street station I said my goodbyes to my mates and walked towards Dingley Street to go home. I smoked a cigarette on my way and before I knew it I was putting my key through the front door. It was 12.45am and I was slightly tipsy but I felt good. This was all about to change when Tony my alcoholic stepdad came staggering out the living room.

'What time do you call this?' he asked words slurring so bad it was hard to comprehend him.

'Where’s mum?'

'Answer my question before you ask me one!'

I roll my eyes; he was starting his pathetic antics again

‘It’s nearly 1 o’clock! Tony. Now where’s mum?' I asked with both my hand place on both my hips.

'Wouldn’t you like to know,' he burst out laughing and staggers towards me, I take two steps back and now I'm resting on the front door. He continues to stumble towards me and doesn’t stop until our noses are touching. The stench of cheap vodka rushes up my nose and causes me to screw up my face in disgust.

'Come on Sinead your mums at work so you know what that means don’t you!' he stokes my face and each individual hair on my body stands due to fear and disgust.

'Back of Tony,' I say through greeted teeth

“Sshh!” before you no it he is roughly kissing my neck. I try to get him of me but he's too fat and strong. Within seconds I am dragged down to the floor and he is on top of me trying to caress me with his minuet man hood. I slap and scratch him but I know where it's heading, it is not the first but would definitely be the last. Two minutes later after suffering from his useless and forceful sex he rolls off and lays on his back, eyes closed with a huge smile on his face. My breathing becomes deeper, harder and more erratic. He places his left hand on my right thigh and begins to stroke me with his coarse hands. Still feeling dead and like a zombie I finally manage to move and throw his hand of my leg. He eyes open and he has that look of rage he usually has in those big green eyes. I get up quickly and try to run before he catches me and I fall over. I struggle to pull my knickers up before he can hurt me again. But it’s too late. He is dragging me by my hair across the floor. I hold onto his hands hoping that it will decrease the pain his is inflicting on me but it doesn’t. Tony is out of breath and his grip loosens which allows me to get up and run. He follows but has difficulty keeping up. I run in the kitchen look for the biggest knife and stand behind the closed door. Tears roll profousiallly down my face; hands and body are shaking as the footsteps become louder. The door swings open knocking me off my feet, knife still in my hand. He charges towards me, I extend my hand and the 10-inch knife enters his left leg. I pull it out and then push it in again, but this time enjoying the sounds of his pain. He drops to his knees trying to stop the blood pouring out of his fat legs but it continues and so do I. I stab him everywhere his face, chest, arms, legs, hands and feet. I’m now standing over a dead twenty stone rapist. Blood is all over the white kitchen floor. I'm not sure how long I stood there covered in blood all I remember is hearing my mum scream.

“Sinead! Sinead!” my mum calls me several times but I am frozen, my body cannot move I feel dead.

My mum takes a few steps towards me but gets scared when I don’t move; she thinks I’m going to attack her so she calls the police. To be honest I don’t know what I was thinking at this particular time in my life but I believe happiness was a feeling that came to me. Happy Tony couldn’t rape or beat me ever again. It had gone on for years it had probably even happened before I even understood what he was doing.

Next thing I know I wake up and I’m in hospital. There’s a nurse taking my blood pressure she smiles at me.

“Where am I?’ I gaze around the hospital ward hoping to see a familiar face. I have no such luck.

“Someone will be in here to talk to you shortly, they were just waiting for you to wake up”

“What” I confusingly ask “What's wrong with me? Why am I here?”

“I’m sorry” with that the nervous nurse exits the room. I tried to get out the bed but realize my left hand is handcuffed to the hospital bed. I continue to pull as if the handcuffs are going to magically disappear. Three women come in the room causing me to stop pulling on the handcuffs. I later came to realize they were two police officers and a social worker. They ask me questions about Tony and everything begins to flood back. Some questions I don’t want to answer so I don’t.

“Where’s my mum?” I ask the policewoman.

“She couldn’t make it, she had something to do” the police officer uncomfortably answers.

I later came to find out that she didn’t want to be around me because she held me responsible for the death of the love of her life. Imagine that! Even thinking of it makes me sick. She wanted to stay and protect him but felt as though she didn’t have to protect her seventeen-year-old daughter. The social worker (Caroline) and I are left to talk alone for a while where she instructs me that,

“I am not in a hospital but I am in a teenage secure unit and facing a murder charge” when I heard murder I swear I fainted I'm one hundred per cent sure that I knockout out. I explain my story to Caroline who really listens and was empathetic in so many ways but to be fair it didn’t taken away from the fact that I was up for a murder charge. I am told that I will be charged for murder unless there is evidence to support my side of the story. Even if it's proven I killed Tony in self-defense I can still face a jail sentence.

So now I sit here in my cell that I have become to love, I have pictures of my friends who write and visit me regularly. Still haven't heard nothing from Simon but you win some you loose some right. I have a TV and a wide selection of books that I read, my favourite right now is black girl lost. The title it self pretty much sums up my new life. I know what I did was wrong but there is only so much you can do to a person before they break. I don't regret what I done but I wish I had not been subjected to that lifestyle. The worst thing of all is that my mum knew what Tony was doing but she never prevented it. I think she was jealous of the attention he gave me, now that’s sick.